just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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