my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
