thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
