Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
