i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
