If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize