If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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