she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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