I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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