...so i touched it.
i love accidental penises.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize