she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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