Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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