I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
