All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
please come you make the beer taste better
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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