dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
