Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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