i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
