I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize