Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
