my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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