I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
