There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
