Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
