I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
