and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
