Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
