your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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