Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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