Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm at about main and main street
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
