if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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