Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
