five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
