i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
