I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
