I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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