at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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