So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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