North Korea, Best Korea!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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