I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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