someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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