he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
