FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
