I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
