Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
