FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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