your parents love me but you hate me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
