Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
