Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
