i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
