I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
