Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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