i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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