He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
