My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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