you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
