Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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