Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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