and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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