FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
