Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
