Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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