Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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