god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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