some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
